This is really embarrassing, I mean have you even heard of the thing called "Conscience", yes, the emotion/feelings that resides within us. What the use of having a Conscience but not listening to it.When I look at myself in a mirror what I see is a very self-control,sober and pleasing personality kind of a person but when I look within myself(my heart,my soul to be exact)I really don't like what I came across - a very hyper,frenzied person who is screaming from inside,telling me to be I actually AM instead of adopting the manner that is pleasing to others, because I can't make everyone happy, can I? There always gonna be a person or two who would always find something or the other fault in me,they will never be satisfied with me, would they ever be?
So why I m killing myself, why am I suppressing my feelings, dumbing down myself to make those people happy who even doesn't matter to me,whom I don't love at all,WHY? just to please the society and the societies's so called norms, trying to please people who would anyway talk behind your back even when you help them in their difficulties and do them favors all the time.
I keep asking myself these questions at the confinement of my home ,when I m all alone and there is nobody to impart me with their so called knowledge of everything in the world,because they know the world better than me, in the name of " for my own good" lectures of theirs. This usually happen at most Indian families(that I have came across),people who are elder to you(relatives especially) will always treat you like they know more about you and your life than you know about yourself. I can't vouch for others but this is what usually happens to me.So when I m all lone, I question alot to myself, why am I doing whatever I m doing, this is not me, why I m agreeing with those things which doesn't feel right to me, why I m with people to whom I mean nothing, I m no one to them,they turn to me only when they are in need,otherwise then won't even bother whether I m alive or dead.So, why I m listening to people who don't understand my point of view and always say that I m like a child (the way I see things) I don't understand the world the way they do, just because I don't move around making serious conversation with every Tom, Dick and Harry and showing off my achievements, my work and imparting lectures about life to others.Sorry, but that's not who I m, Once upon a time people used to boss me around and I was incapable of thinking on my own so I just used to follow whatever others tell me to do,whether good or bad.
This was the time when I went into a depression,I didn't knew what to do,where to go,whom to turn to for help, I was all alone and there was no one to help me out, Out of fear and frustration I had created a barrier between myself and others,I stop going out,meeting with my family members, friends and I used to cry my eyes out, my heart, my lungs,everything out and when I m done crying I would fall asleep out of sheer tiredness, That time was not easy for me,with no one around to look up to or to support me.
But I did overcome my depression and fought my evils and it was this phase of my life that I think made me what I m today. I feel that I m more confident, mentally and emotionally more strong and stable.Its not easy to fight with your own demons and that too all alone, but as I now know that it is not impossible,difficult, yes but not impossible to achieve. If I can so can others.
Now I know "why I am the way I am" and I m proud of it, I only do what I feel is right and what my instinct tell me to do, I only listen to my heart and not others.I have become a free spirited person,full of positivity, wild,the type who could never be caged not even by the society's rules and regulations.I would never do something that my conscience would not allow me to do. I would never give my advice to anyone who didn't ask for it. I mind my own business, I m now more of a happy go lucky kind of a person and I see posivity in every situation.
My fight with my inner self is not over and I have to keep fighting with my inner devils every now and then because life is not " A Bed Of Roses" but now I have the courage and the knowledge that would help me further in life.
So why I m killing myself, why am I suppressing my feelings, dumbing down myself to make those people happy who even doesn't matter to me,whom I don't love at all,WHY? just to please the society and the societies's so called norms, trying to please people who would anyway talk behind your back even when you help them in their difficulties and do them favors all the time.
I keep asking myself these questions at the confinement of my home ,when I m all alone and there is nobody to impart me with their so called knowledge of everything in the world,because they know the world better than me, in the name of " for my own good" lectures of theirs. This usually happen at most Indian families(that I have came across),people who are elder to you(relatives especially) will always treat you like they know more about you and your life than you know about yourself. I can't vouch for others but this is what usually happens to me.So when I m all lone, I question alot to myself, why am I doing whatever I m doing, this is not me, why I m agreeing with those things which doesn't feel right to me, why I m with people to whom I mean nothing, I m no one to them,they turn to me only when they are in need,otherwise then won't even bother whether I m alive or dead.So, why I m listening to people who don't understand my point of view and always say that I m like a child (the way I see things) I don't understand the world the way they do, just because I don't move around making serious conversation with every Tom, Dick and Harry and showing off my achievements, my work and imparting lectures about life to others.Sorry, but that's not who I m, Once upon a time people used to boss me around and I was incapable of thinking on my own so I just used to follow whatever others tell me to do,whether good or bad.
This was the time when I went into a depression,I didn't knew what to do,where to go,whom to turn to for help, I was all alone and there was no one to help me out, Out of fear and frustration I had created a barrier between myself and others,I stop going out,meeting with my family members, friends and I used to cry my eyes out, my heart, my lungs,everything out and when I m done crying I would fall asleep out of sheer tiredness, That time was not easy for me,with no one around to look up to or to support me.
But I did overcome my depression and fought my evils and it was this phase of my life that I think made me what I m today. I feel that I m more confident, mentally and emotionally more strong and stable.Its not easy to fight with your own demons and that too all alone, but as I now know that it is not impossible,difficult, yes but not impossible to achieve. If I can so can others.
My fight with my inner self is not over and I have to keep fighting with my inner devils every now and then because life is not " A Bed Of Roses" but now I have the courage and the knowledge that would help me further in life.
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